Doubt

     
It's in seeking my path that I err.  

I've come to see that life is an unfolding.  Most of my struggle has been in delaying the unfolding by constantly searching for where I should be.  I am where I need to be.

Too many times I search instead of living, I avoid experiencing where I am, to find where I should be.  This is wrong.

I want God in my life, but I don't listen for his instruction.  I seek his wisdom and blessing, but I am not available for his instruction on how to get it.  It is as if I want God to make make my desires reality and be a wishing well or a genie to grant what I seek.

I am growing and understanding that this is not what he does.  This is not how I relate.  My job is to have faith and trust in the Lord.  My job is to fight doubt and work today where I am.

I trust that the Lord will guide me.  I trust that the Lord is right.

It is through his Son Jesus Christ that I am released from my doubt, I am released from my sin.

I was baptized years ago, my body was washed, but my heart was not touched.  I listened in church and could remember the words, but I did not let the Spirit into my heart.  It was fear, it was doubt that kept it out.

Watch and protect yourself from doubt, it is the kindling of fear and uncertainty.

Where Did I Learn This?

     I look for guidance everywhere.  God, Man, Books, Seminars....I search everything.  When did I forget how to connect with myself?  When did I lose the thought that I was my own guide.


     Somewhere along the way I lost myself.  Somewhere I said, "Your judgment is better than mine.  I should listen to you."

     I get glimpses of my childhood.  Mentally I see images of me and I get feelings of how I use to be.  I  remember in feelings.  I remember feeling that I was where I should be and doing what I should have been.

     The feelings of always looking to see what I should be doing came later.  Concern over whether or not what I was doing was right also came later.

     The memories I remember our situation was poor, we were broke, but there was no worry about that.  I was happy to live day to day.  I was happy for food when we had it.  I was happy for the four black and white channels we could get in.

     My life now is about want.  I want what I do not have.  I want to be better.  I want to be bad.  I want  to be good.  I want to be a kid.  I want...

     I want to understand where I changed and when I began to feel that what I am is not good enough.  When did I that change occur.  The change that left me trying to change.

     I need to explore why I want, it's not because I need things, food is relatively abundant here in the US  I don't eat steak and lobster, but food that is necessity is easy and cheap to come by.  For an hour worth of work at any part-time job you can buy a week's worth of rice.  Dry beans are equally as cheap.

I watch my son play with his toys.  I see he has no worries.  God, I pray I don't do anything to rob him of that.  His movements are sure, he knows what he wants.  The things he wants are small to me.  But they are the world to him.  I remain sure not to invalidate his wants.  Maybe that is the key.