Where Did I Learn This?

     I look for guidance everywhere.  God, Man, Books, Seminars....I search everything.  When did I forget how to connect with myself?  When did I lose the thought that I was my own guide.


     Somewhere along the way I lost myself.  Somewhere I said, "Your judgment is better than mine.  I should listen to you."

     I get glimpses of my childhood.  Mentally I see images of me and I get feelings of how I use to be.  I  remember in feelings.  I remember feeling that I was where I should be and doing what I should have been.

     The feelings of always looking to see what I should be doing came later.  Concern over whether or not what I was doing was right also came later.

     The memories I remember our situation was poor, we were broke, but there was no worry about that.  I was happy to live day to day.  I was happy for food when we had it.  I was happy for the four black and white channels we could get in.

     My life now is about want.  I want what I do not have.  I want to be better.  I want to be bad.  I want  to be good.  I want to be a kid.  I want...

     I want to understand where I changed and when I began to feel that what I am is not good enough.  When did I that change occur.  The change that left me trying to change.

     I need to explore why I want, it's not because I need things, food is relatively abundant here in the US  I don't eat steak and lobster, but food that is necessity is easy and cheap to come by.  For an hour worth of work at any part-time job you can buy a week's worth of rice.  Dry beans are equally as cheap.

I watch my son play with his toys.  I see he has no worries.  God, I pray I don't do anything to rob him of that.  His movements are sure, he knows what he wants.  The things he wants are small to me.  But they are the world to him.  I remain sure not to invalidate his wants.  Maybe that is the key.